Old Age

As I sat on the porch watching the sun set, I couldn’t help but reminisce. I had earned the right to sit and dream whatever time of day it be, so I chose the most beautiful time of the day. The view was amazing and as I watched the sun set, so I sipped some tea and allowed my thoughts to flow turbulently yet peacefully.

I had lived for many years. I remember when my eyes could see clearly and everything seemed crystal clear. The colours were well defined and I could tell the beginning from the end. The vastness of the beauty of seeing the world through youthful eyes was certainly something that I might have taken for granted. However, my mind was keen to notice this and it worked overtime to capture every moment so perfectly and I honestly can’t help but find myself in existence of those moments for hours in my old age. They call it dementia here but it feels like reliving the days of my youth. It breaks my heart to see how my children look at me these days. When I get into my trances, they seem to not understand me and it irritates and annoys them. I thought old age would be beautifully serine but here I am with eyes filling up with tears and longing for my sun to finally set.

I remember how beautifully I’d dance the night away for the better part of my youth. My hips would comfortably sway in the direction I’d instruct. My lips never forgetting to smile as my heart came to life with every tune that graced my eardrums. I was at the peak of my happiness. During those nights, strangers would turn into family even if just for hours and we’d share the burdens of our hearts, sometimes to the extent of having a breakdown and it felt a little better afterwards. Some of those connections went past a single night. My heart shutters just a little more now to know all of you are gone. Your suns had a meeting and agreed to set but forgot to fill mine in on the plan so my sun remained up. I have watched the ones I’ve loved leave me one by one. I have had to mourn you but it comforts me to dream about you sometimes even when I’m awake. Sometimes I forget that you are dead and I find myself talking to what I think is you. So they put me on medication that should help me remember not to bring you to reality. If I’m being honest, my mind which had once been my greatest asset now seemed to work against me and as it did, my heart shuttered further.

I can still feel the pain that came with my youth. However with the pain, happiness also came. The joy of holding my children for the first time. The joy of falling in love with their father. Raising these children together was the highlight of my now miserable life and those were many years that I appreciate and give thanks for. The pain of losing my best friend and partner was the start of my heartbreaking journey into old age. I’ve had to bury some of my children. Days that took my willingness to live with them. Each child I buried took a part of my heart and soul with them and my love, he took that and my mind with him when he left me. I know it’s only temporary but that wasn’t the plan. He was to hold my hand as we watched sunsets together. He was supposed to help me find my eye glasses when I forget where I placed them. He was supposed to still be holding me as we slowly allowed the night to take charge and tuck us safely into deep slumber. We were supposed to grow old together. I can’t help but feel angry at you for leaving me but I know I’m about to see you again. That thought is enough to cool my anger however much I feel betrayed.

I have lived a good life. It has been beautiful and ugly, happy and sad, healthy and sick, but never once did it seem worthless. Even now, however broken I feel, hearing my children and their children laugh in the house as they tell their silly jokes, makes it easy to enjoy being alive but I need to rest. I need to let go because my time is here. These flashbacks are getting longer and longer. My body fails further by the day. My mind dies with each and every fleeting second and my fraile body cannot keep up. I can feel the path being prepared for me and I can already feel my ancestors chanting my name as they prepare to welcome me home. I cannot wait for my grave stone to stand next to you in the ancestral burial grounds. To be with family I haven’t seen in what seems like ages. I am happy and honoured that I got a chance to walk on this world, among its inhabitants and to love some, hate some, learn from some, grow with some and even give birth to some. I got to feel the vulnerability that comes with being human and being a woman. The scare that comes with facing a future that’s not promised or foretold so we blindly walk into it. Sometimes we get caught in wrong leaps of faith but leaps carrying heavy lessons that we can choose to learn from or choose to be foolish. I chose the former so my days got safer and wiser as my choices were guided by the lessons of my past.

So as I go to sleep tonight, I will pray for my ancestors to welcome me home tonight and I hope they are merciful enough to do so.

Article by;

Vanessa Beyonce