If only I’d known what I know now.

To the men that I have loved, without a single regard to whether they loved me back or not. To the men that I have loved, in the language of compromise and self-disrespect, I should have loved myself instead. I should have thought myself worthy and deserving of kindness and respect but how could I when all I’d ever known was betrayal and selfishness from all those who’d ever claimed to have loved me? It had been engraved in my soul that pain was the ideal love language and so when my heart bled and my mind cried for help, I taught them to compromise and to find peace in the pain of silence. By doing that, I dove into the deep depths of self disrespect that one can only cause by not loving themselves. I thought I loved myself but every time my reflection stares back at me, it is the imperfections that my eyes choose to see. I wasn’t light enough in complexion, never thick or skinny enough, never tall or short enough, never sexy enough, never quiet enough, never talkative enough etcetera. It broke my heart that I could love the imperfections in all of you yet somehow, you kept leaving me because something about me always stood out more in a negative way. Despite all that, I wish I’d chosen to love myself in the manner I chose to love you, imperfections and all. If only I’d known what I know now.

To all the friends that I have loved before I really understood what it meant to love and to be loved. This led me to love even those who did not care a bit for me. I shared all that I was going through yet when I walked out of the door, I heard your judgement upon my choices. “She chose to love the man that put his hand on her in a manner that bruised her skin. She chose to love the man that seemed to have chronic cheatisis because he couldn’t seem to understand the basics of faithfulness. She chose to love the man that hid her from the world and only loved her loudly at the comfort of any four-walled hotel room. She chose to love a man that wanted to hold her hand only after he’d made her cry like a small girl. She chose to sacrifice herself because she was more acceptable that way.” Yet if I’d understood that what I was holding on to in the name of relationships was abuse, I’d probably have walked away and chosen better men for myself. If only I’d known what I know now.

To the relatives that I have tolerated before I knew what I know now. I can assure you that I’d never have let you a step near me, nor would I have looked your way for as long as I did. I would have spoken up when I chose to bite my tongue because I thought that is what it meant to be good and obedient. I would have chosen to love myself instead of placing my worth in the hands of people who saw me as nothing more than garbage. I would have probably spared myself the heartache that my younger self had to endure in the hands of sadists and narcissists. My present self knows better by now and that is all that matters.

She has healed and she has learnt. The consistency in her courage to redefine herself is that of a person determined to never hit rock bottom again. The years of letting herself down are finally behind her and as she crosses into the new year, it’s in the same manner a warrior matches into the battlefield, unsure of their fate yet sure of nothing more than the need to survive. In a world that has been and will always be subject to evolution, perhaps we could accept to be part of that change that is inevitable.

We could choose to break from patterns that have held us hostage because we are stronger than those patterns. We are stronger than the people that hold us down emotionally. We are more than what has been whispered in our years at one or several points in our lives. We are everything we wish we could be if only we choose to dare to rise above our past and better the present for a better future. This I say in confidence because I now know what I wish I knew then.

Article by;

Vanessa Beyonce