It’s happening again but this time the feeling is all too familiar because I’ve been down this road before. Sadly, I didn’t walk the worst and scary parts alone. I dragged you all down with me and I’m about to do the same thing to you again.
Talk of a lesson never being learnt regardless of the frequency of class attendance. It didn’t hurt me but I could tell from the looks on your faces when I came to that it hurt you. I wish I could tell you about how some days I am genuinely happy and I can feel blood flowing through my veins and during those days, I am genuinely alive. Some days are so lonely that even my own heartbeats become impossible to hear and it feels like I exist alone in a very lonely place. Some days, my heart breaks so loudly it transcends into physical pain. My legs shutter at the thought of carrying my own weight during those days, so I let my body rest in bed and before I feel okay again, weeks have gone by.
I cannot explain what causes these emotions and more so, their imbalance. I can however explain how I ended up here. At first it was the opium, from the time I broke my leg. They weren’t so easy to come by and I figured it would become an evident problem so I thought of a more accessible and less problematic solution. One that enabled me to live in the moment without so much worry or regret but only a curiosity for what the next second could hold if I played my cards right in the current. So cocaine did the job.
Eventually, the lows started to weigh more heavily on me and it killed me everyday. The happy days and I became estranged and before long I completely forgot what it felt like to be happy. The highs began to last for shorter and shorter periods so I knew I needed an upgrade and that’s when I was introduced to heroine. By this time you’d started noticing the changes and it gave you many sleepless nights. I wish I could show you how peaceful it felt and the world stopped being so grey. The clouds disappeared with each dose. I could be happy and in the paradise of my choosing. It was worth every shot. So when I say I got lost in the chase of the high, I really hope you believe me.
I’m dying. It’s happening again and I can’t stop it. I know this because my heart is breaking at the thought of your hearts breaking. My heart has only broken once during a high and that was when I first overdosed. I don’t know how to let you know that none of this is your fault. I know you will blame yourselves if you don’t find me in time but this is because of my choices. This is not your fault. I’m sorry and I hope that you know that I love you.
Article by;
Vanessa Beyonce.
BeeArticles 