MY END

Some people die long before they die to the rest of us

I am watching all of you here mourning me and I’m more than disgusted by the majority of you. I was here amongst you all at one point and oh, how unloved I felt. I was here amongst you and it brings me to tears to remember the struggles I’d been through. I keep listening to the stories you are giving and I can swear they are for your own shot at fame and it has nothing to do with me. It’s like a game of who can share the best story of my life in a sad, happy or depressed way.

I barely loved the most of you crying and wishing things had been different. Everytime I found my strength and got on my feet, someone was always there to remind me that the floor was my place. Suddenly it’s all about how I chose the floor when strength was always offered.

Shame on you for lying because I can’t give my side of the story. I am not sure but maybe that’s why someone once said that funerals are for the living. I can tell that this whole event and the tears aren’t for me but for the many times you let me down and now the guilt consumes and condemns you. I am not sorry that when it got too much I chose rest. I am not sorry that I don’t have to spend my days in the company of depression, anxiety and self-hate. I am not sorry that I don’t have to trade in my dignity anymore to get help.

I am not sorry that I don’t have to listen to the stories being spread by my family and friends about me. I am not sorry that I don’t have to die every morning I wake up. I’m not sorry that I chose to help myself and end it all because I was long dead before today. I can see all of you judging me and declaring me weak! I can see all of you suddenly pretend to care and to have so much information on mental health. I can hear all of you saying I should have asked for help.

I lived in a world where it seemed that everyone I encountered was either blind to my struggles, deaf to my cry for help and invisible to everyone I hoped would see me. I can see my lifeless body in this coffin that all of you want to touch.

This is the most peaceful I’ve looked in years. This is the most beautiful I’ve looked in years. As if that’s not enough, my coffin is more expensive than any money I’ve ever had and yet I can’t help but wonder why it had to get here for you to actually ‘care’.

It’s not that I did not care for my family but it is hard to care for others when the struggle to care for yourself is a task that I kept successfully failing at. It’s not about you and your guilt! It’s about me and the hate and loneliness I’d lived with for as long as I could remember. However, the story is now yours to narrate as you please because this world is no longer my home.

Article by;

Vanessa_Beyonce

YOU

It is the ones we love the most that can hurt us the most

He killed himself for you.
He sacrificed himself for you.
He chose you.
He always chose you.
The mistake he made was loving you.

He had desires before he met you.
He had a career before he met you.
He wanted to go places and he dreamt big before you.
His light shone bright before he met you.
After years, his light has dimmed because of you.
His desires have died out because of you.

He’s never had eyes for anyone but you.
He’s never entertained anyone but you.
He’s always been enchanted by you.
Forever a slave to you.
So now he is taken for granted by you.
He is disrespected by you.
He has to watch you entertain men and women who notice you.
His heart shatters in the most trechourous silence and loneliness because of you.

All of this because of his love for you.
This will however be the lesson I will carry in my heart.
After years of watching you two act like soldiers in a warzone yet so blind to the fact that the battle being fought may not be as subtle as intended because I noticed.
I got caught in the danger zone.
Love was once his advantage but now it’s his biggest disadvantage.
It may seem better to be alone than to watch someone destroy me like I have watched you recklessly destroy father.
Yet he stays because he loves you.

Article by;
Vanessa_Beyonce